


Trainwreck

by dottianne, FUQ D4 POL1C3 (dottianne), katcoo13, LegendaryArmor



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pale Romance, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-08
Updated: 2011-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-22 09:51:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dottianne/pseuds/dottianne, https://archiveofourown.org/users/dottianne/pseuds/FUQ%20D4%20POL1C3, https://archiveofourown.org/users/katcoo13/pseuds/katcoo13, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegendaryArmor/pseuds/LegendaryArmor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Homestuck Shipping Olympics prompt for clichés, nine members of Team Dave♦Terezi, ectobiology shenanigans, and a simple dream to FUQ D4 POL1C3. >B)</p><p>Just warning!!! Very image-heavy & some erratic flashy blinking animated gifs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The rest of the co-authors don't have AO3 and will be credited after voting ends. ;)

==> YOU ARE TEREZI PYROPE AND YOU ARE BORED.   


You are lounging around next to your moirail (or brorail, as he says), DAVE STRIDER. He is currently coloring your AMAZING ARTWORK. Trained in the art of POKERFACE for six sweeps, he is too cool to show any emotion. You know better, considering the scent of ‘bored as fuck’ is the same as the scent of RAW POTATOES permeating from him.

What will you do?

>TEREZI: LICK DRAWINGS  


You do that. Dave turns towards you and raises a single brow. You blink back at him innocently before breaking into a grin. He smirks back ever so slightly. You cackle like always and are about to start your usual banter, when you are distracted by the scent of fresh apples. Normally that would just mean Dave, but Dave happens to be sitting next to you and unless he happens to be in possession of some sort of paradox time clone-  
Oh.  
Right.

Sometimes you just think that maybe all these time shenanigans are unnecessarily confusing.

>DAVE & TEREZI: GREET NEW DAVE  


You stand up and skip forwards, stopping only once the aroma of D3L1C1OUS 4PPL3 JU1C3 is sufficiently close. The corners of your mouth twist up further than before. Finally something interesting.

>   
> CTG: oh look its someone awesome  
> CTG: sup  
> FTG: sup  
> CTG: character interaction with my own self doing some timey wimey shenanigans  
> CTG: looks like we filled any sorta hypothetical irrelevant quota for cliches  
> CTG: so unless youre about to wake up gay with a zombie robots and sonic the hedgehog  
> CTG: step out the minivan soccer mom  
> CTG: kids practice doesnt end til the ninth inning  
> CTG: need to school the crazy alien chick at MAD SNACKS YO  
> FTG: spoiler alert: she wins  
> CTG: what   
> 

He turns to you.

>   
> CGC: H3LLO OTH3R D4V3! TO WH4T DO W3 OW3 TH1S PL34SUR3? >:]   
> FTG: hey rezi  
> FTG: nothing much  
> FTG: but we need to get you and that dangerously awesome coolkid over there to the ectobiology room  
> FTG: you know messing around with random shit so you dont become doomed timeline  
> FTG: the usual   
> CGC: >:O   
> 

Your grin becomes even wider than you would have thought possible. You jab lightly at current Dave’s sides.

>   
> GC: D4V3, TH1S SOUNDS L1K3 FUN! L3TS DO TH1S! >:]   
> 

He shrugs.

>   
> TG: sure whatever  
> TG: where making this hapen   
> 

==> TO THE ECTOBIOLOGY ROOM!  


The two of you enter the room and loiter around until future Dave says he found the right machine. You already have your drawing kit with you and are so ready to get started on whatever you are supposed to do. In fact, [you have already drawn future Dave a beautiful picture in appreciation](http://pics.livejournal.com/dottianne/pic/0000szwt).

>TEREZI: SHOW FUTURE DAVE YOUR WONDERFUL ARTWORK.  


>   
> CGC: D4V3, D444V3, LOOK 4T TH3 M4ST3RP13C3 1 H4V3 CR34T3D TO TH4NK YOU FOR H3LP1NG US!  
>    
> FTG: hopy shit   
> CGC: W3LL? >:]   
> CTG: this is terrible  
> FTG: but in the best way possible  
> FTG: its twice as amazing the second time around  
> CTG: normally i would be offended by the inaccuracy of this  
> CTG: come on everyone knows the shades never come off  
> CTG: however i shall deign to forgive you for that explosion is seriously rad  
> CTG: is that russian  
> FTG: you mean youve never heard of world movie legends  
> FTG: how could you dave  
> FTG: i believed in you  
> FTG: i believed in us  
> CTG: who even decides that  
> CTG: is there a world movie legends commitee or  
> FTG: well its russian  
> FTG: so world  
> CTG: check  
> FTG: its a movie  
> CTG: check that too  
> FTG: and last is legend  
> CTG: oh hey is that a dude on a motorcycle flying away from an explosion  
> CTG: all clear bro  
> FTG: ok guys we can stick the label on were good  
> CTG: shits legit  
> FTG: if you ever go to russia youll find hordes of scantily clad ladies lying at my feet  
> CTG: ooh mister strider oooh  
> FTG: and i shall keep my shades on  
> FTG: oh also snow  
> FTG: and vodka   
> CGC: WH4T'S 4 RUSS1A? >:?   
> CTG: the legendary place where it snows vodka tz   
> CGC: WH4T'S VODK4? >:?   
> FTG: russian snow  
> FTG: anyway point is i love this   
> CGC: H3H3H3H333 >:]   
> FTG: but i must tear myself away from the majesty of this piece  
> CTG: the show must go on  
> FTG: cant keep the audience waiting   
> 

>SHOW: HIT THE ROAD.  


While you can’t actually see anything, you can smell and hear that the machine is slowly whirring to life. You briefly ponder what exactly you are supposed to be doing, and whilst we may be better at hiding it, you can see that Dave is wondering the same thing. Or at least he smells like curiosity. A mix of mango and strawberries.

Wow, future Dave is sure taking his time isn’t he? In the meantime, you whip out your drawing kit and start to doodle. Dave sits down next to you and watches. Currently, what you are drawing is him and you being [SUP3R 4M4Z1NG H3RO MO1R41LS S4V1NG TH3 D4Y](http://pics.livejournal.com/dottianne/pic/00012130). It should be illegal to be this talented.

>   
> FTG: and voila   
> CGC: WHO4444444   
> FTG: come on dave you get the first ride  
> CTG: sweet   
> CGC: >:[   
> CTG: so many levels of irony in the fire  
> CTG: its nearing crit tier  
> CTG: we are stacking the irony like a kid with jenga blocks  
> CTG: stand back junior we are dealing some with serious shit here  
> CTG: dont want you to get hurt playing with the tower of wood  
> CTG: shit can hurt  
> CTG: but other than that  
> CTG: what exactly is it that im supposed to be doing  
> FTG: this   
> 

==>  


>FUTURE DAVE: ABSCOND  


>   
> FTG: you kids behave now   
> 


	2. Chapter 2

>TEREZI: BE THE BOY

  


Fuck. Wait.

You suddenly realize that you are missing somethings that should have been here, and now have something that doesn’t belong there.

Holy jegus.

> GC: D4V3  
> GC: H3Y  
> GC: D4V3!  
> GC: D4V3 D4V3 D4V3 D4V3!  
> TG: what  
> GC: 1 4M 4 GUY  
> TG: no shit sherlock  
> TG: wait  
> TG: oh fuck you were serious  
> GC: H3Y D4V3  
> GC: D4V3 D4V3 D4V3 D4V3  
> TG: yeah  
> GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 4 G1RL   
> TG: huh  
> TG: oh  
> TG: welp  
> TG: judging from the fact that my treacherous flesh weasel has abandoned ship  
> TG: just caved in out of fear  
> TG: and shriveled up so far in as to become a cavernous meat wallet  
> TG: i guess so  
> TG: but i applaud your ability to smell that  
> TG: never ceases to confuse the shit out of me  
> TG: bravo

>TEREZI: EXAMINE SELF

  


You cautiously pat your chest confirm the fact that yes, there is nothing there. Well, nothing much in any case. Mind you, there hadn't been much in the first place, but not much was still better than not at all. You kind of miss your boobs.

Then there was the matter of your new meat package. While you decide to spare Strider the sight of you sticking your hands down there, you can sense the difference.

>TEREZI: EXAMINE DAVE

  


He has boobs. They are are seemingly normal for a teenage girl, but then again you don't know humans very well. You then notice Dave is also examining you.

>   
> GC: H3H3H3 L1K3 WH4T YOU S33 D4V3 >;]   
> TG: of course i do tz  
> TG: any bro of mine has to be amazing  
> TG: i have a reputation to uphold  
> TG: but really  
> TG: im wondering if these newfound tits are similarly deflatable  
> TG: no  
> TG: fuck deflating i'd be happy with having these massive airships going down like the hindenburg   
> 

>   
>   
> TG: no fuck this  
> TG: im going to fix this   
> 

>TEREZI: WAIT FOR DAVE TO PRESS BUTTONS

  


You do just that, and while at it resume channeling the essence of Troll Cheshire cat.

Just then the door opens and in walks the scent of cherries. Meaning Karkat. This can only end in the most adorabloodthirsty manner possible.

> GC: H3Y K4RKL3S  
> CG: DON’T CALL ME THAT.  
> CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? I SPECIFICALLY SAID THAT NO ONE SHOULD EVEN BE IN THIS ROOM.  
> GC: F1N3  
> GC: H3LLO CH3RR13S! HOW 4R3 YOU?  
> CG: WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU CALL ME CHERRIES.  
> CG: WHERE DID THAT NICKNAME EVEN COME FROM YOU NOOKSNIFFING CHUTEBAG?  
> TG: woah chill out cherry boy    
> CG: WHAT.   
> TG: dude was just behaving in the kind gentlemanly way youre supposed to in the company of such a delicate flower  
> TG: that being me   
> CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU BULGEMUNCHING SHITSTAIN THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE AND WHY DID-  
> CG: ...  
> CG: YOU KNOW WHAT NEVER MIND. SCREW YOU. BOTH OF YOU.

>KARKAT: FUCK THIS SHIT

  


And he leaves. It sure went better than expected. And it sure wasn’t as entertaining as you’d thought it’d be. Psh.

==>

  


Dave resumes the business reversing this shit. Well, his attempt to do so at least. He decides to press 3 blue buttons and a sparkly green one.

>TEREZI: WH4T NOW?

  


The first thing you notice is that you are indeed still male. The second thing is that you're taller. Stretching your hands out in front of you, you see (actually see) tan skin and freckles.

So you are now DAVE STRIDER. Or at the very least you are in his body. You turn to Dave to see yourself. Well, your body. Eh. Almost the same thing.

>   
> GA?: i smell a disturbingly cringeworthy amount of joy   
> TG?: 1S TH1S YOU D4V3?  
> TG?: 1S TH1S YOU D4V3, 1S 1T  
> TG?: H33H333H3H3H3H3   
> GC?: welp  
> GC?: so my body smells male again  
> GC?: i suddenly understand everything  
> GC?: can taste the rainbow and all that jazz  
> GC?: only there is no rainbow  
> GC?: just went up and left rainbow aint gonna deal with your horseshit  
> GC?: sayonara motherfuckers youre on your own now   
> 

==>

Dave manages to mutate your facial expression into the closest thing to a normal expression that has ever set foot on your face. Stoic coolness. 

You in turn break his face into a shit eating grin. 

In response he sniffs the air and sticks out your tongue in a manner he would call ironic.

>   
> GC?: tz what are you doing to my face  
> GC?: stop that  
> GC?: and dont even think about pressing another button  
> GC?:  
> GC?: you’re thinking of pressing the buttons again arent you   
> 

==>

You press random buttons without looking.

==>

>   
> ???: what in the name of jegus  
> ???: pyrope i cant see shit   
> 

>DAVE: EXAMINE SELF.

  


You can’t do that since you can’t see shit.

>   
> GC?: oh gog dammit   
> 

>TEREZI: EXAMINE SELF.

  


Yes.  
Hell yes.  
HELL FUCKING YES.  
You are very okay with this.

>   
> TG?: D4V3  
> TG?: H3Y D4V3  
> TG?: YOU C4N S33 TH1S R1GHT?  
> TG?: T3LL M3 WH4T 1S R1GHT W1TH TH1S P1CTUR3 >:]   
> GC: i cant see dumbass   
> 

==>LOL

> TG?: OH.  
> TG?: 1 S33 >:]  
> TG?: H3H3H3    
> GC?: hahaha all my laughs tz  
> GC?: do you mind briefing me on what exactly has happened  
> GC?: since for once you seem to be the guy with the eyes here  
> GC?: the only thing i'm catching is that you're still a dude  
> GC?: i'm still a babe  
> GC?: and i'm blind    
> TG?: L3T'S JUST SAY THAT 3V3N 4S 4 HUMAN M3 1 4M 4 HOT P13C3 OF 4SS!  
> TG?: FOR A P1NK FL3SH AL13N TH4T 1S  
> TG?: SWOOOOOON!  
> TG?: AND THAT'S R34LLY 4LL TH3R3 1S TO S4Y ON TH3 M4TT3R >;]    
> GC?: did you you just insult my whole species  
> GC?: rude  
> GC?: also im pretty sure that checking out your own ass would qualify as narcissism  
> GC?: unless youre a strider of course  
> GC?: everyone is a stridersexual  
> GC?: even striders  
> GC?: oh wait do you qualify as honorary strider  
> GC?: eh its not like i give a fuck  
> GC?: not that im blaming you for observing my sweet derriere  
> GC?: as a strider i am guaranteed to get all the bitches  
> GC?: even as a helpless blind girl i have all the swag  
> GC?: that means that even my [ash skinned troll self is sexy as fuck](http://i.imgur.com/sqjFJh.jpg)  
> GC?: well at least probably  
> GC?: since im blind i cant really tell    
> TG?: OH STOP WH1N1NG    
> GC?: oh excuse me princess for being upset at losing my eyesight  
> GC?: no but really i get that this is really exciting for you and shit but i would really appreciate being not blind again    
> TG?: H3Y 1 N3V3R COMPL41N    
> GC?: well i cant smell colors either now what   
> TG?: OK4Y F11111N3 I G3T 1T 4LR34DY

==>

bluh bluh button press you know the drill

  
>DAVE: BE MISTER APPLEBERRY MINT   


  
_  
_   


 

>   
> TG: what the fuck  
> TG: eh could have been worse i guess... B0  
> TG: why am i using punctuation?  
> TG: oh jeeeeeeze   
> GC: H3Y D44444444V3!!!!!!!!   
> 

==>  
 __

>   
>  GC: D4VE 1 C4N S33 NOW!!!!!!!!  
> GC: 8FOLD!!!!!!!!   
> TG: oh wonderful, you're spiderbitch now BI   
> GC: RUD3!!!!!!!! >::::[   
> 

  


>   
> GC: H3Y D4V3  
> GC: C4N 1 T4ST3 YOUR BLOOD?   
> TG: what  
> TG: dude no  
> TG: i thought we had already established that i taste like red apples  
> TG: and that should be all that ever needs to be said on the matter BI   
> GC: TH4T’S WH4T YOU SM3LL L1KE  
> GC: US3D TO AT L34ST  
> GC: BUT NOW YOU'R3 GR33N APPL3M1NT  
> GC: 4ND 1 TH1NK YOU'D T4ST3 GR8!!!!!!!!  
> GC: DON'T YOU TH1NK SO TOO, D4V3????????  
> GC: >::::]  
> GC: > ::::]  
> GC: >:::;]  
> GC: > ::::]  
> GC: >::::]  
> GC: > ;:::]  
> GC: > ::::]   
> TG: how about  
> TG: no!   
> 

>BLUH BLUH

  


> GC: Y3S  
> TG: nope   
> GC Y3S   
> TG: nuh uh   
> GC: Y3S   
> TG: niet!   
> GC: Y3S

==>

  


Man, that sure is a blinking button that will no way instigate some weirder shenanigans!


	3. Chapter 3

==>  


...not sure if this is an improvement or not.

Luckily, Terezi [has got us covered](http://pics.livejournal.com/dottianne/pic/0000qh4t). She [did not watch Twilight](http://i.imgur.com/9l6yb.png).

==>  


Wrong AU, wormface.

==>  


...what. Is this even any closer?

==>  


  


Plumbthroat has a thing for killing insomniac jellyfish.

==>  


>   
> TG: terezi what have you done   
> 

And a single tear rolls down his plush cheek.

==>  


>   
> TG: okay this is ridiculous how about we stop that thing first   
> 

==>Now what?  


 

>   
>    
> GC: SO...   
> TG: still no   
> GC: 4LR1GHT F1NE. >:[  
> GC: D4V3!  
> GC: DO YOU S33 TH4T?   
> TG: what  
> TG: oh   
> GC: 4R3 YOU TH1NK1NG WH4T 1M TH1NK1NG?  
> GC: >:]   
> TG: eh  
> TG: sure why the hell not  
> TG: it's not like this could get any worse   
>    
> 

~~>  


  


>   
> Deibu-sempai?  
> Suturaido-onii-sama?!   
> 

~~>  


  


>   
> Tereji-tan?  
> Pairopu-chama!   
> 

~~>  


▶ [EVERYTHING WAS SUTEKI AND NOTHING HURT. ](http://i.imgur.com/zNviu.gif) ◀ 

 

...

lol did you forget whose fic this is?!

>DAVE: WAKE UP  


  


And it was all a dream...

==>...but it wanst a draem???  


  


>TEREZI: WAKE UP  


  


  


'Twas but a dream inside a dream...

==>D4V3 1S TH4T YOU?!  


  


>DAVE & TEREZI: WAKE UP  


  


 

==>  


  


>   
> FTG: good hustle everybody   
> 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey if you comment on [our lj post](http://hso-r1.livejournal.com/8552.html), we may offer you a **gif** t. >:D


End file.
